After care is, very simply, the time you and your partner take after play time to recover and also to see to each other’s emotional and physical needs. In Findom, particularly after a large cash drain, after care may be needed by the sub. This is especially important in situations where the sub was pushed to or beyond his limits by the Dom.
The first time I experienced after care was after my inaugural real time session with Master Soma (@NintenDom42 on Twitter). We had been talking for months and finally decided to meet in person. The session was intense! I spent a lot of time at his feet, and he spent a lot of time in my wallet. For most of the session I was in a total “sub space” where I truly had lost the capacity to think reasonably….I was literally at Master Soma’s mercy! At one point he even took out one of my credit cards and used it to order himself something from Amazon. The whole experience was AMAZING, but I was definitely pushed well beyond my comfort zone.
After the drain was done and I was coming out out of my fog, Master Soma did something that no Dom had ever done with me before. He invited me onto the bed (from the floor where I had been the last hour) and literally held me in his arms. He told me what a good boy I was by following all of his commands. Then he asked me how I was feeling. I was completely thrown off by the question.
During the next 15-20 minutes we talked about the physical aspects of our encounter and how I felt about the ways he drained my cash and used my card. It took me awhile to come out of my fog and answer his questions coherently, but I was able to share everything I was feeling…what I loved most about our encounter, and of course the few things that made me slightly uncomfortable.
When our conversation was over, I felt so amazing for several reasons. First, I truly believed that Master Soma actually cared about how I felt after one of the most intense moments of my life. He took the time to truly understand how the experience impacted me! I also felt he planned to use what he learned to inform our next session. Finally, I had the opportunity to experience comforting physical contact with someone who only moments earlier was jamming one foot down my throat and another deep into my crotch. The entire conversation felt magical, and only later did I come to realize just how important it was.
Not all “after care” needs to look and feel like what I experienced with Master Soma, but I do believe there are at least five key elements every Dom should consider, especially in situations where a sub has been pushed to or beyond his limits. This list assumes the Dom is an ethical one and truly wants a long lasting and healthy relationship with his sub:
- In cases of extreme drains or intense sessions, the Dom should acknowledge the intensity of the what just happened and ask the sub how he feels. This is especially important during situations where the Dom and sub are just getting to know each other. It’s important that the Dom creates the opening for this conversation, because the sub may not initially be able or willing.
- If the sub expresses regret or shame, it’s important the Dom not ignore those feelings. I believe subs occasionally try to “cancel payments on their apps” or “get their money back” because Doms skip this step. If the sub feels regret, I don’t necessarily think the Dom should automatically issue a refund (although I’ve seen Doms do partial refunds when subs are completely distraught). Instead, use the first BIG drain as a learning experience. Have a discussion about limits and safe words, so there is less regret next time. Remember, the goal is to have a sub who comes back to the Dom over and over again!
- When together in person, the Dom should consider some form of physical contact with the sub as he eases out of his “sub space” fog. It could be something as simple as allowing the sub to suck on the Dom’s big toe as he starts to get his head back into reality. In other cases, it might be a hug or pat on the head with the Dom letting the sub know that he did a good job! In cases where the sub becomes intensely emotional as a result of the experience, an even longer embrace might be warranted. The goal is for the sub to feel safe and appreciated.
- After a few days have passed, it’s important for the Dom to check in again and see if the sub has any lingering worries or bad feelings about the session/drain. This lets the sub know the Dom is serious about having a solid/long-lasting relationship. It will also give the Dom information that will help him during the next session.
- If it’s clear the sub has real emotional or mental health issues on which he should focus, the Dom should consider severing the Findom relationship. This may seem difficult to grasp for Doms who don’t want to lose a “good paying” sub, but it may be necessary. Some subs experience such extreme regret and shame after they come down from their “high” of serving, it’s literally not healthy for them. As a Dom, you never want to contribute to anyone’s mental health decline. In these cases, Findom is not a good choice for the sub, and as an ethical Dom, you may need to be the first to let him know. Yes, he might just go after another Dom, but at least your conscience will be clear.
Here’s how one sub described his first encounter with after care: “When I first started Findom I never knew or heard of what after care was. I had been serving Doms. Usually after it was over , I would be drained, and they were gone. I would go to bed upset wondering what in the world had I just done When I found Master Kev (@19Kev02 on Twitter), that very first drain, even though it was a relatively small one, I experienced first-hand what after care was. It made the experience so much better. Master Kev doesn’t drain and go. He always sticks around with me, talks me through it, checks how I am, and then talks about how hot it was and the fun we just had. It’s like this all the time. The result: It’s ten months later, and I’ve never had an ounce of regret or concern with any of my drains, big or small. Master Kev’s after care makes me feel important and shows how much he cares too.“
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not every sub is seeking or needs after care. There are some subs who LOVE being drained and dumped. However, for those subs who are seeking a long-term relationship with a Dom who knows the importance of supporting his “property” when they need it most, after care is an important concept and practice. I strongly encourage Doms and subs to determine the best after care strategies for their relationship and to continue to refine them over time. Have fun, be safe, and continue to feel good about all of your Findom fun!